I'm Gonna Mess Up Eva As Much as I can
by The Faceless Nomad
Summary: ...Which, regretably, probably ain't that much. Well, if ya like idiocy and OCCness, then enjoy


A light shines on a stage with red curtain. A bald guy with bandages around his face and wearing a black trenchcoat, pants, and T-shirt, walks out to the center of the stage. That bald guy is I.  
  
"Good Even, Ladies and Germs. Welcome to the fic, I'm Gonna Mess Up Eva as Much as I Can, by Me, The Faceless Nomad. This is my fic, cause I wrote it. So, if ya wanna make a reference to it, just say that this is my fic. And now, a word from our sponsor."  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, or Gundam, or Pinky and the Brain, or Tenchi Muyo, or anything else that appears or is referenced to in this disgrace of a fic. Their respective Companies and Corporations own all the shows/movies/whatever. Once again, I wished I owned this stuff, but I don't.  
  
" Thank you, sponsor. Now, In this fic, I'm gonna try and do a sorta "what if" sitiation. And to keep myself (and my readers) from getting lost, I'm gonna make a list of all the things that are "what ifs" right here up front," I pulled a piece of paper out of my coat.  
  
"Ahem What If:  
  
Shinji got lucky with all the girls?  
  
Rei was a wannabe biker chick?  
  
Misato was a pothead?  
  
Gendo and Fuyutski acted like Pinky and the Brain?  
  
Asuka had powers like Ryoko from Tenchi Muyo?  
  
Kensuke piloted a gundam for NERV cause they didn't have anymore Evas?  
  
Maya was a computer hacker better than Ritsuko?  
  
Ritsuko was paranoid?  
  
Those are my brilliant thoughts for now. If anyone has ideas for Touji, Hikari, or any other Characters, tell me (e-mail is The_Faceless_Nomad@att.net). Also, if you'd like to see a special episode with a certain character messed up in a certain way, again, tell me. Also, if you list any jobs or occupations or cartoons (for messing up characters), tell me what they are because I might not know (and please don't send me any requests for Eva characters acting like other anime characters. The Animes I've seen are very limited, so if you please, try and keep it to Gundam Wing, Outlaw Star, Big O, or Tenchi Muyo. Any other shows I probably haven't seen. And please: NO DBZ! OR DB!!! OR DBGT!!! OR WHATEVER THE HELL IT'S CALLED NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you)."  
  
An explosion sounded to my left. I dodged out of the way as a piece of scaffolding fell across the set. Shinji ran by in a panic. I turns and yelled ", ASUKA!!! JUST 'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT RYOKO-LIKE POWERS DOESN'T MEAN YOU GETA KILL SHINJI AND GET AWAY WITH IT!!!"  
  
Asuka flies past. "Canttalknowmustkillbakathanksforsuperpowers," She yells as a ball of destructive energy forms at her fingertips and flies after Shinji. Another explosion is heard as she flies off stage. I glared after her. Kensuke and Rei walked out on stage behind me. "Y'know, you were just asking for trouble when you gave her Ryokos' powers," Kensuke pondered. 'I know. There's a catch to her powers though." "A catch?" Rei inquired. "Yeah. And damn good one." "What is the catch?" "You'll find out around the episode when we meet Asuka." "Ah. Plot point." "Yep. A really good one. Alright. Rei, go beat something up. Kensuke, prep your Gundam." Rei nods and walks off stage. Kensuke and I watched her go. "I wonder if she can actually be a badass," I wondered (duh). "Well, she's working on it," Kensuke pulled the "Kick Me" sign off my back. "That she is," I crushed the sign in my hand ", This is defiantly going to be interesting. Kensuke, get your Gundam and grab Asuka. I don't think she knows how to phase through stuff yet." "Aye-aye,' Kensuke ran off stage. I turned back to his audience.  
  
"Well, folks, on a more horrifying not, I haven't actually seen the first couple of episodes. Just heard about 'em from other fics. So you know this is gonna be pure crap. Oh, and a note on punctuation:  
  
means facial expression. \ / means same time, different scene *** will indicate time passing *\* */* will indicate a flashback Thought will be indicated by Italic letters. I.E. Baka Shinji!  
  
Anyways, ON WITH THE CRAP!!!"  
  
I heard a loud crash from my right. "FACE, I THINK SHE LEARNED THE PHASE THROUGH THING," Kensuke wailed.  
  
"Oh, crap. Don't mind me, folks, go ahead and enjoy the show," I dashed off the stage.  
  
  
  
  
  
I'm Gonna try and Mess up Eva as Much as I can By The Faceless Nomad  
  
Shinji Ikari stood in the street. All around him electronic signs were warning of and "Angel Attack" and telling him to get to a shelter. Confused, Shinji looked at the postcard and directions he'd been given when his father had requested his presence in Toyko-3. \ "And what would happen if the Third Child were instructed to pilot?" Gendo listened intently. "That is all," he shut off the link and turned to his companion ", Fuyutski, are you pondering what I'm pondering?" "I think so Gendo. But wouldn't it be dangerous to let a whacked out 14 year old pilot a huge robot in an attempt to prevent huge monsters from destroying the world only to take over the world ourselves?" "." "Shut Up, Fuyutski, or I will have to hurt you." / Shinji stared up at the flashing sign that was telling him to get to a shelter. "Angel attack," he muttered ", What's an Angel?" The sign had an arrow on it pointed to the nearest shelter. Then the arrow changed direction slightly and the sign read ", um, dude." "Why I am I here anyway?" 'Duuuddeee..." "What could Father possibly want with me now?" "Look behind you, man!" "And where is everybody?" Shinji heard two extremely loud noises behind him. The noises were kind of like feet crush concrete. Big Feet. Shinji looked up, and gulped at what he read on the sign: "Angel, Six'O'Clock. Bend over and kiss yer ass goodbye." Turning slowly, Shinji came face to, er, toe, with (surprise, surprise) an enormous pair of feet. Slowly, Shinji drew his gaze upwards. The creature was green, with odd, skeletal armor mounted on most of its upper body. The creature had no neck or head, but it did have a mask-like thingy on it's face with two glowing eyes. .I mustn't run away.I mustn't run away.FUCK THAT!!! RUN LIKE HELL!!! Shinji took off like, well.Like Asuka was after him. It should be noted that for those of you who don't know who Asuka is, than go read another fic, cause yer not gonna have any idea who she is reading this fic until about chapter six or so.until then, precisely who she is will elude you. Her various mannerisms, however, will be apparent. ON WITH THE FIC!!! Shinji ran around a corner and ducked behind a trashcan. .Mustn't piss my pants, mustn't piss my pants.Shinji glanced around the can. The Angel was standing in the middle of the street scratching its head. Shinji turned back and swallowed. Man.If I don't go now, I will piss my pants!!! The angel looked around as is sound organs (whatever and where ever they are) detected a faint tinkling sound. The Angel followed the sound to an alley, where he found Shinji.going about his business. "DO YOU MIND!?!" He yelled. The Angel spun around, playing with his toes. It waited several minutes, scratching itself, shuffling its feet, and checking it's watch, before remembering it doesn't have a watch. All this and a bit more before it realized that it couldn't hear the tinkling sound anymore. It spun around. Shinji was gone.  
  
Shinji ran. And he ran and ran and ran. Then he realized that he'd passed that porno shop for the forth time (He's a frickin' teenager. They notice that kinda stuff). Slowing down, he ducked behind a bench. Shit! What the fuck is that thing doing in the middle of Tokyo-3? Wait, better question, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING IN TOKYO-3 WHILE THAT THING'S IN TOKYO-3? Shinji would've kept upon this line of thought until his mind cracked and he ran around with his pants on his head screaming something about clowns and bazookas.If a car hadn't sped around a corner and bashed into the porn shop. Shinji would've thought that was weird enough if the car hadn't rounded the corner doing a triple backflip before landing on one wheel and spinning around like a top. Then it went down on two wheels and swerved, hitting the porn shop. Must be a professional.Shinji thought. Then the door opened. "WAAAAZZZZZZUUUUPPPPP!!!!" a purple-haired woman screamed. Shinji was, to say the least, baffled. "Hey, dude," Shinji realized she was talking to him, mainly because there wasn't anybody else around ", wanna joint?" "A.joint?" "Yeah, a joint. A doobie, a smoke, some mary jane." "Um, I don't suppose you could get me, uh.out of here?" "Out of here.? Oh, I got it man. You want some stronger shit. Get in, man, I know this one dude with this wicked shit." "O-ok." Shinji grabbed a magazine that had fallen out of the store window before scrambling into the car. The woman promptly took off at warp speed.through the porn shop. The car bashed out the other side of the building, spun like a hula-hoop, and engaged lightspeed down the street. IMUSTN'TLOSEMYLUNCHIMUSTN'TLOSEMYLUNCHIMUSTN'TLOSEMYLUNCH!!! The woman turned to Shinji, who was pushed backward into the chair under the G forces operating on his scrawny frame. "My names' Misato. And these are my friends, Beer and Weed. What's your name?" Shinji bent over and recolored the floor mat. 'Puke," Misato looked vaguely puzzled ", cool name."  
  
***  
  
Shinji leaned over, breathing deeply, trying to remove the taste of barf from his breath. Misato was taking a few deep puffs of happy grass and enjoying the view. They'd parked on a ridge overlooking the city, where the military finally remembered that, hey, there was a giant monster attacking the city. All manner of missiles, machines guns, and other ordinance were directed on the giant monster. Presently, as Shinji watched, a tiny sparkling object appeared falling towards the Angel. Shinji sucked in enough breath to ask: "Hey, what's that, Misato?" She glanced at it. "That? That's an N^2." "N^2?" "Yeah, I think it's a bomb or something." The sparkling object hit the Angel. And Shinji was suddenly quite aware that it WAS a bomb. He was flipped end over end before he did an ass-plant right under Misatos' car, which had been flipped up on it's side from the force of the explosion. The boom had only taken out about 2 city blocks, but the shockwave had done wondrous damage to anything not strapped down or embedded. Somehow, Misato had stood standing during the blast. Shinji opened his eyes and had just enough time to yelp before Misatos' car fell on him. Shinji began mentally writing his diary: Dear Diary, Today has sucked. Shinji Misato grabbed his foot and yanked. Shinji slid out from under the car, which hurt like hell. "OW!!!" Misato ignored him and turned up the radio in her car. ".Katsuragi, do you read?." "Yeah I'm here,' She responded ", whaddya want?" "Katsuragi, this is Gendo. Have you retrieved my son yet?" 'Hold on a sec." Misato turned to Shinji ", You Gendos' kid?" Shinji, rolling around on the ground in pain, understandably didn't respond. That is, it was understandable if you weren't Misato. "HEY PUKE!!!" She kicked him", You Gendos' kid or not!?!" "OW!!! YEAH!!! YES!!!! I'M HIS KID!!! OW!!! STOP THE PAIN!!! PLEASE!!!" 'Yep, I got 'em." "Good. Bring him to NERV h.Fuyutski, stop that. No.put that down. That's an Eva control circuit, not a hat. I.oh shit.Katsuragi, get Shinji here." 'Uh, I ain't got no Shinji with me." 'Whatever. Just get here!!! N..HIT THE DECK!!!" The transmission scrambled, random explosion and exclamations of "Narf! Poit! Zort!" breaking through the static. "Com'on, puke," Misato grabbed Shinji and tossed him into the shotgun seat. He landed square in the hurl. Dear Diary, Today has really sucked. Shinji  
  
***  
  
Shinji stared around at all the high tech shit that comprised NERV. He ignored the fact that people were staring at him in his puke stained T- shirt, and his blood stained face. "Wow. This place is fantastic." 'Yeah, it's a trip every time I see it," Misato stopped and thought about that a second ", but, I'm always tripped out when I see it. Eh, oh well." She took a drag and a slug before yanking Shinji down a hall. "Com'on, yer dad wants t o meet us in here."  
  
***  
  
"Misato, I can't see anything." "Neither can I but that ain't stopping me!!!" "Yeah, but you're high as fuck." Shinji muttered. "Shh," Misato gestured for silence. Shinji stopped. In the distance he heard someone talking on a cellphone (whatever those little things they use to communicate with at NERV are). "yes.no.I don't care, just launch the gundam.what do you mean its not ready for combat? I examined it myself this morning."  
  
*\*  
  
Me and Kensuke stood looking at the pile of metallic rubble that was his gundam. Kensuke was making fish impressions and I was mentally tallying up the cost of the repair. "That.that bitch!" Kensuke finally managed to get out ", how could she do this to my gundam." "Well, this is Asuka we're talking about here. I think a more appropriate question is "how could she not?"." "Man, this is gonna take forever to fix!" "Nah, I'll get a team in here, maybe a few computers and we'll have it up and running in no time. Don't worry, man." "Thanks, Face," Kensuke sniffed.  
  
*/*  
  
".Very well.I am in Eva Unit 01's cage. I will see about our last option," The voice silenced. Then the lights flicked on. Shinji found himself staring down a massive, metallic, demonic-looking face. "HOLYFUCKINGSHIT!!!!" He stumbled backwards. Misato reached out and grabbed his shirt. 'Don't go backwards," she commented ", that first step is a doozy." Slowly, Shinji glanced over his shoulder. The drop was as tall as a skyscraper, and there wasn't any railing along most of the walkway. "HOLYFUCKINGSHIT!!!!" He dashed back onto the walkway, making sure he was in the middle of it. "Hysterical, Shinji. But now, I have an offer for you," Shinji looked upwards to the source of the mysterious voice. "Father." "I want you to pilot this Eva Unit." Shinji looked at where his father was pointing, then at his father, then did a few double takes. "That?" "Yes." "No fucking way in hell." "Very well, we'll have Ayanami Rei pilot it." "Uh, doesn't she have a broken arm and some head injuries or something?" "Yes, why?" "Oh," Misato shrugged and puffed ", just checkin'." "A broken arm?" "Yes, she has several injuries that will not heal anytime soon, and will make piloting an Eva especially hard for her. Get Ayanami up here now," Gendo spoke into a mike. The way they were treating this Ayanami, Shinji thought that she was some tender, meek, innocent girl. So the look on his face was really priceless when some medical personal came flying through the entrance to the Eva Cage. And that look was nothing compared to the look on his face when he saw Rei. Blue hair, pale skin, red eyes, about his height.and clad in a plugsuit that seemed to be made up of black leather and spikes. She even had a spike studded choker on. Ignoring the groaning medical personal, she stormed up to Gendo and started screaming in his face. "WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE!?!"  
  
"To pilot Eva Unit 1." "WHAT IF I DON'T WANNA PILOT THE FUCKING EVA!?!" "You must. Ikari already stated he wouldn't pilot." "Well, duh, you're the commander, Y'know. "I was referring to my son Shinji." "Shinji?" Rei glanced past Gendo at the pathetic-looking boy. Slowly, a wicked plan filled her mind. 'Hey, Boss, ummmm.Oh yeah! Maya told me ta tell you that Fuyu's up in central dogma pushing all the switches again." "Oh, dear. Excuse me.I have pressing matters to attend to," Gendo dashed out of the Eva Cage. Rei turned her attention to the diminutive Ikari. 'Sooo, Shinji," She gave him a look that made most men melt. Shinji, being a loser and virgin, didn't quite interpret this look as a pass or as a warning sign ",yes?" "Have you ever seen the inside of an Eva?" "Um, no, but." "Com'on, I'll show ya!!!" She grabbed his arm and dragged him back to the entry plug. "See, this is the cockpit, where I pilot an Eva." 'Wow. Kinda big, isn't it?" Shinji leaned over one of the side hatches to the plug, looking inside. Rei, seizing the opportunity, planted her foot on Shinjis' ass and shoved him into the plug. "BWAHAHAHAHA!!! So Long, Sucker!!! Here, wear this," She tossed a spare plugsuit into the Entry Plug ", cause yer gonna pilot this Eva into battle wither you like it or not!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Rei flicked a switch and sealed the entry plug. She got back down onto the walkway, laughing her head off. Misato, being high, laughed along with her. As they exited the cage, Rei glanced over her shoulder at the Eva. It was flipping her off!!! The Evas' big, long, purple middle finger was extended in her direction. She blinked and rubbed her eyes. "Woah, that had to be a hallucination or something. No one can flip off another person so accurately from an Eva the first time they pilot one!" She paused and considered. "Maybe I'm having an attack of guilt? NAH! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"  
  
To be Continued.  
  
***  
  
"Or not. This was really pretty crappy, wasn't it?" I asked, leaning back in my chair. "Yep," Kensuke agreed. "Well, don't worry, it'll get worse from here on! Cause I suck at this!!!" "That's the spirit," Kensuke the sage noted. "Anyways, since this is my first fic, then I got no suggestions about where to shove my writing talent, then me and Kensuke here aren't gonna do shit!" "Normally, we'll have a question and answer type deal here (using my e- mail, not any Fanfiction.Net resources. E-mail is The_Faceless_Nomad@att.net), but since this is the first fic, well.." "Indeed. Well until next time, readers. When the shit really hits the fan!" "Or you, depending on how the liked this." "Your confidence is both overwhelming and annoying." I informed Kensuke. "I know." "Yeah, well, this is The Faceless Nomad saying "Good Fight! Good Night!"" 


End file.
